he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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