Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
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He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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