Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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