I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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