Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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