he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Randomize
