He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
