Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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