forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
