I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
