in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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