it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
