On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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