Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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