Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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