On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
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This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
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I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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