dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
God, I missed his penis.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
