Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
