"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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