i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
