You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
