I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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