I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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