I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
