the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ketchup is God's man juice
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
