Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
