i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
