birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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