he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
