we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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