as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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