dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
