I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
