just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
