i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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