yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
