Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize