She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
