I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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