btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
