i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
