His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
