I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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