you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
