I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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