Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize