Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
