Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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