My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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