Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
