Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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