She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
