I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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