My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Randomize
