The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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