see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
