Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
